Slow it down now! Pardon? — Excuse me lovely ladies and gentleman alike. Ladies are sparkling and gentleman are square legged and proud. Pride my nigguh. Pride. My name is Maxwell Garby The Third, brothers and sisters. The third realllllist nigguh you ever gunna know. All man and no silky edges. Just jagged metallic bone and rusted old muscle.
The third…no not the third. The first. I should be the first and last of my kind. I added the third right there…that’s a white accent I put at the end of my name there. The roman numeral three to be more precise. White, kingly and all knowing. Godly.
Now I just need a moment of your time ladies and gentleman. A moment of your invaluable time. The time most people would pay more than a dime a minute for…well, that’s up to you.
No, I am not homeless. But sir, oh yes sir, I do in fact work for the homeless. That’s right! I-WORK-THE-HOMELESS. Those old bumey motherfuckers who are so damn lazy and bed bug ridden. Yet, they managed to manipulate a middle class citizen such as myself. They got me under a spell they do. But I am a god fearing man. So I may as well work towards my canonization earlier than expected.
Inside this mysterious looking K-MART bag.. well in here there are earthly delights beyond your white imagination. Barbeeeeequeeeeeed Chicken, thick succulent spare ribs, six zip -locked bags of chocolate covered pretzels. Eight tin-foiled bunches of frozen grapes. Two grams of weed, four grams of cocaine, three vials of liquid ecstasy, two grams, ohhhhh shit it was a long night, correction, one gram of opium. I also have a copy of The Holy Bible, The Koran, The Torah and THE MUTHAFUCKN Diaspora. Not to mention a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
One gay pornographic video, one interracial pornographic DVD, and one all white female orgy blu ray disc.
I sell most packs of stogies for a mere six beans. I don’t carry any of that turkish shit…I choose to not fund terrorism. So in turn, NO!, I do not carry Valpack coupons either. The Taliban have their sandy hands in everything.
-pause-
Like I said folks, time, as well you know, is invaluable. Like the time I mugged an asian couple for a bag of groceries. I stabbed the husband with a hunting knife I purchased, coincidentally, earlier that day. Fait is a fine fluttering friend, isn’t she?
I learned something that day. I learned that it’s quite simple to mug and stab, not necessarily in that order, asian people. A plastic butter knife and a hard nigger scowl would have done the trick.
I know, ladies and gentleman, now I know. Yes sirrrrrr! Nothing but faggot-ass nigguhs. Nah mean? My apologies white people; do you know what I am speaking of?!
See cause, I was originally a maitre-de of a fine dining establishment. I know how to speak proper and enunciate my vowels and consonants. But I don’t have New York City experience they say. I could have worked fo the motherfuckn Taj Mahal. Kissing the toes of some Arab prince, and wiping his white bengal tiger’s ass. But, I don’t have New York City experience they say. THEY SAY! THEY SAY! Yup…that’s what they say…what they say.
-pause-
You gotta be strong brotha. Pride, my nigguh. No, not black pride, not white pride, just regular humane pride.
I ain’t trying to hurt nobody. I ain’t crying for my forgotten brethren. I ain’t lying to anyone. I just speak…that’s all I do..I speak. Speak doggie! Speak doggie! Sit. Sit. I am sitting boy, oh how I have been sitting…
-long pause-
My blessed daughter…she asked me once. ” Daddy, why can’t you get a job?” I never answered her. I just closed my mouth and sat there. I sat. Oh how I’ve been sitting. Blessed isn’t with us anymore. But if she was in front of me today I would have said:Because the world is against me, my baby.
I ain’t against the world, but the world is against me. So you gotta, push,push,push back against the world and make no excuses.
Just con yourself into a meaningful existence. Forget about the vastness of everything. No need to worry about the complexities of a workaday world.
Rickety World. Leaky Universe.
So I’ll sit. I’ll sit, and keep sitting, until I’ve soaked it all up.
